That each sorrow has its purpose,
by the sorrowing oft unguessed:
but as sure as the sun brings morning,
whatever is -- is best.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Gloria Anderson and Collette Stewart both retired from MSC in January.
Jay's teacher said he should get an IQ Test as he was very bright. We all knew that. He had a good vocabulary, and, for the most part, a correct usage of words.
Immersed in more remodeling of this-old-house, I put more of my ideas into effect. Bob, always indifferent to my projects always supported me in putting out the cash.
In February I had Steve Emil from church put on a new, beautiful front door which Tom got for us through his company, Doors, Inc. He got me a terrific deal. Steve installed quarry tiles at the front and back entrances, and put up a cedar strip wall.
Next, I hired a fellow to put a new finish on the living room and dining room ceilings, as they were pretty rough from our amateurish endeavors when we originally installed them.
Bob helped me hang grass cloth wallpaper in these two rooms. Grass cloth gets extremely heavy when paste is applied. It sure covers a lot of unevenness in walls. Then, I had wrought iron railings installed by the back stair entry.
 Greg Nance
|
March, it was "any day now" for Gary and Gerri to have their second baby. I was on standby, having been invited to participate in the birthing. On March 12, I was called at work, and I left at 4 o'clock to go to Sacred Heart Hospital to offer my "help." I was the honored one to hold the mirror so Gerri could watch the process. I was privileged to be handed my brand new baby grandson within minutes after he was born; he was wrapped in a warmed-up blanket. |
Gregory John was born at 10:05 that evening. He was 8 Ibs. 2-1/2 oz. This happened to be Barry's exact birth weight.
Gary said afterwards he had gone to the hospital cafeteria for something to eat, choosing to have butterscotch pudding for dessert. That was what he also had had just after Mark was born.
I started taking Karate -- a class in "Self-Defense for Women." I later found out how to defend myself.
Bob and I went to the Liberty Furniture to purchase a new queen-sized bed. It was automatic in that it raised and lowered head and foot, and also vibrated.
Bob had $1250 cash in his pocket; the amount was a little short of what the salesman wanted. Instead of trying to talk the salesman down, Bob, after saying he had the green stuff, said, "Let's go."
We left the furniture store and were walking away down the sidewalk. I was surprised to hear someone running to overtake us. It was our salesman. He said, "Okay, the manager says you can have the bed for $1250."
May 4 I worked Bloomsday and it was very hot. I had to leave some of my belongings in the car, and when I got home, I found that my lipstick had melted. We MSC people handed out water at the aid station at the top of "Doomsday Hill." Each Bloomsday this was to be our station, MSC being one of the original sponsors. A few years later when I did the Bloomsday run, I discovered that was some loong hill!
Later that day Bob and I decided to go to K-Mart to buy a couple of bicycles. We were feeling good about exercise.
|
Sunday, May 18, 1980, Bob was listening to his ham radio and heard some amateurs in the western part of the State telling about seeing activity in the Mt. St. Helens. Previously the mountain was reported as having earthquake activity; maybe could erupt . . . This ham operator was above the volcano in an airplane and radioed that there was lightning flashing around inside the volcano! |
 Mt. Saint Helens
|
This day, many Spokane residents were going to enjoy the annual air show at Fairchild Airforce Base. Bob and I had plans to go. But, there was a last-minute customer to see Bob, so we visited a while with him. I made lemonade, and we sat visiting out on the patio, waiting to get away to the airshow.
Getting along into the afternoon, we called Tom and Nikki to say we were canceling out. The sky had become very gray.
Most people in this Spokane area were unaware of what was happening, thinking it was just suddenly getting stormy. But, having heard the report, we really were sure we knew what it was. Mt. St. Helens had erupted, and Spokane, about 300 miles east, was getting the greatest share of the fine, gray ash!
Opal came over, and we two foolish ones went out and began scooping up some of the ash. It was still sifting down, and we felt sort of ridiculous when we realized our hair was becoming covered with the stuff! It was just the color and consistency of cement.
Barry called to tell us he wouldn't be coming home that night. He wanted to stay at Silver Lake with Katy and Robbie. Susan, B J and Aaron were out on Lake Coeur d'Alene trapped on board Susan’s new boyfriend's boat.
The air show was canceled at 2:00. The clock read 3:33 and it was absolutely pitch black outside.
We did not go to work on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
On Tuesday, the news was that it would be okay to hose down your yard. Then, another radio newscast said, "Don't do it." The experts did not know what effect water combined with ash would have. It was depressing to see everything the same gray color!
We were not to drive our cars except during extreme emergency. Cars could be damaged if driven during this time. If possible, it might be a good idea to cover one's car air filter with nylon pantyhose.
Bob and Bill did go to the grocery store one mile away. There the employees were busily sweeping out and cleaning up as best they could. Returning home, the men said, "It looked just like an oasis to come home and see the green lawn that we had when we hosed down the areas around our two houses."
Returning to work, we had to do a dusting job on our desks and the areas around us! Janitoring was not in our job description.
When outside, people were wearing medical-type masks over their noses and mouths. It was comical to be driving along and see so many people wearing these face masks, or in some cases, handkerchiefs. Someone said it was the perfect time for bank robbers!
We were advised to get a certain type of mask because that was the only one that would do any good -- then, no, that wasn't right -- get this other kind! Confusion reigned.
A tape recording was made from a radio station which cataloged the destruction. The ash traveled 55,000 feet in the air before drifting over our way. The highways in and out of Spokane were closed on account of poor visibility. No one should be driving!
Mt. St. Helens erupted killing 57 people, destroying 230 square miles of forest, and setting off mud flows that roared down rivers and blocked Columbia shipping lanes.
Birds and animals reacted strangely. A pair of wild ducks came up to our house from the river so they could take a bath in our fish pond. When they waddled back across our lawn, they made curious wet trails through the ash.
Robins made a nest just under our patio roof, and Katy asked if she could get the baby birds out of the nest and play with them.
By Friday of this week in May, Bob was becoming increasingly depressed. We made a doctor appointment for the following Tuesday, May 27. Bob later canceled it, saying he was going to be okay.
On Sunday, one week after the eruption, Bob was feeling a little better, but Aaron's birthday was May 24 and Barry was planning on bringing the children here to celebrate. Bob told him, "No, Barry, don't come out. I don't feel up to it!"
He did think we could go for a ride, But it was so desolate around the countryside that it was not enjoyable. We went home.
It was now 11 years since Bob had had his last mental breakdown.
At work, I overheard Pat Hall on the telephone. She seemed to be trying to find out if anyone else had been adversely affected by the ash.
On the 29th, things were beginning to get back to what I felt was normal. I went to lunch this Thursday with Lonnie and Doreen, and we talked about Bob's condition. I became so stressed with this that I began crying. Doreen mentioned that a medication her father was taking for nervousness. Allen took Bob to see Dr. Eastwood, and he prescribed the same medication -- Adapid.
June 13 the volcano erupted for a second and third time, but this time the wind was carrying the ash toward Portland, Oregon.
Barry's divorce became final June 21, and he rented a house on Grand Boulevard so he could have enough space to get his children every other weekend.
July 22 the volcano did its thing again. This time not much ash damage.
July 24 Bob felt so terrible that he asked me to stay home from work to be with him. On this Thursday I took him to the Veterans' Hospital and we were turned over to a psychiatric nurse. She said the Veterans' Hospital in Tacoma where he had been previously sent was full. She referred us to the Mental Health Center. This did no good.
Just as we started to leave this session, the nurse asked, "Bob, have you ever thought about suicide?" She didn't wait for, or seem to expect, him to answer. I was at the point of desperation later remembering her words.
So, we loaded our bicycles into Bob's camper and drove to a bike path near Coeur d'Alene. We went a couple of miles on bicycles.
On the way home we stopped at a Dairy Queen and got ice cream bars. I, as usual, enjoyed mine in my slow-savoring style. Opal will tell you that I always drove her wild because I could make ice cream last longer than she could. This time, Bob said, "Hey, I made my ice cream outlast yours for once."
But Bob, being home alone all day, kept the drapes closed. I could come home to a dark and gloomy house these days.
Bob had one terrible day. One of his customers commented to me that Bob looked gray! And he really did! He had no color in his face!
Alternating between supporting then fussing at Bob, I knew from the past that he could not help his depression. But neither could I help him! At one time I sat alone out on the patio thinking that I would just like to run away. Find myself an apartment. Go to another city. Start a life over! But I could never leave him whom I loved and who desperately needed me.
Often Bob gloomily paced through the house. Once he said, "I was just looking around and realizing that you did all of this. I don't see anything here that was my idea! Those negative thoughts!
Not having been given any promise of the kind of help he needed from the Veterans Administration, we couldn't depend on them as we previously had; also, the Mental Health Center had no immediate encouragement.
About this time, Bob began telling me some things I should do. He said: "If anything should happen, I would hope you and Opal would get together more." Also, "If anything should happen, I suppose you would want to sell this house."
He put little sticky tags on all of the electronic equipment he had taken in to repair, naming what it was, who it belonged to, and the price he was charging for the repair or sale. He had on hand quite an inventory. Most of it was fixed and ready for the customer to pick up.
One day as we were talking over what we should do next, Bob remarked, "I have always been true to you, Lee!" I countered with, "Even when you were stationed on Guam?" "Of course," he told me, "Yes, even then."
I have to put this down although it was at a huge cost to me emotionally to relive this painful period:
July 29, before I left for work, I kissed Bob and said, "I love you; I'm going to stop and get some groceries on my way home."
But I could not get my mind on my work. Concern for Bob was nagging. I had a strong feeling that I should call him and then go home. Something had to be done -- anything! So I tried to call Bob. Twice I dialed our number and got no answer. I didn't think this was too unusual because one other time when I called, he said, "I thought it was a customer and I was 'a-scared' to answer!"
But I was certain Bob was there, so I called Opal and asked her to please go next door and check on him. He had to be there.
My phone rang; I heard a cry and a whimpering -- Opal could hardly articulate what she had to tell me. Finally she said, "You had better come home, Leta. I found Bob in his pickup with the motor running!"
I dropped the phone, gave a kind of scream, then picked up the phone again to ask, "Is he alive?"
She said, "Just get home -- get someone to drive you!"
Later Opal said that as she crossed the path between our houses, she heard the truck's motor running. With foreboding, she automatically put her cigarette out before getting to the truck. She ran for a neighbor, Jack Keck. He came over and lifted Bob out of the truck.
Ann Kula got me into her car and drove me home. It seemed hours and hours before we got there. Ann was trying to keep within the speed limit. Sitting beside her, stunned, I was praying, "Let him be alive, God -- let him be okay!"
When we drove up, the paramedics were there and met us as Ann and I got out of her car. After I identified myself, they told me, "We didn't try to revive him. There would most certainly have been brain damage." He was lying covered on the patio near his pickup as I was able to look out of our dining room window. I had to ask Opal, "How did he look?" She said, "Other than having a sort of flushed face, he looked very normal. It was really hot in that truck." I was advised not to go out there. I have come to terms with this now, but maybe I did need to see for myself that he was indeed gone!
Gary and Gerri came to the door . . . Gary was in tears. I said, "Don't cry, Gar." He said, "I was feeling sorry for you, Mom, that's all!"
Among others, Gene Westfall was there, also with tears when I answered the door. Frank Strasser had called Gene at work and said, "You better get to Bob Nance's house right away. He just did it to himself!" Gene didn't say anything. He gave me a big hug.
Someone called Barry and Tom and Nikki. And the pastor of the Valley Foursquare Church was called.
The Reverend Powell had us sit in a circle and asked each of us if we forgave Bob. I am not certain we understood just what he was getting at. Of course, we could not hold Bob to blame.
Opal had the extreme misfortune to be the first one on the scene of suicide on two occasions, George and now, Bob! I felt so sorry for her.
Frank, now a detective with the County, came to see me. He said they had confiscated the note which was found in the truck with Bob. He told me I could have it if I wanted it, but that it was filed with the Police. I had already seen it:
I was overcome by a detachment; nothing seemed to be really happening.
I knew I would have a lot of business to attend to, so hoped the next few weeks would not be in limbo, but they were. I found that as I tried to settle one problem, I would have to redo it at a few more times.
Asked if I would like Barry to move back home with me, I said, "No, I have to learn to be independent and take charge of my life." Gary was amused when I told him, "I guess I'll learn to be a bachelor!"
For the memorial service, Barry made a banner for our family's flowers. It was made from a piece of satin left over from Gerri's wedding gown. The banner read: "W7KYY From His Family."
At the service, Barry, and Bob's friend Kenny Kohel, both gave testimonies. Barry mentioned, "My Dad wasn't perfect, but he was a good and loving father and husband." And Kenny told about how Bob had come to his rescue when he ran out of gas on the freeway. Ken asked him if he could pay him -- Bob said, "No, that's what you do for your friends."
I needed to see the attorney and do all of the other necessary things. Gary went with me.
A phonecall from someone identifying herself as a writer for the Spokesman-Review -- she wrote the obituaries. Jeanne called for information about Bob, and said, "Did he go to West Valley High School?" When I said, "Yes," she said, "Oh, I was afraid of that!" I remembered her. She was Jeanne Stanley, the WV girl whom Bob dated and took her to see the movie "Yankee Doodle Dandy" back in those days when I became jealous.
An Ostomy International Convention was being held in Vancouver, B.C., and I told Opal I had sort of hoped to go. She immediately said she thought it was a good idea, and she would go with me. So, after getting my Datsun checked over, we set off for a few days between this dark period and my having to return to the real world of work.
As we crossed over into Canada, we stopped at a restaurant. We ordered chili burgers. The chili burgers were made without hamburger, and Opal's iced tea came sweetened and had lemon juice in it. She couldn't drink it that way. I guess we were out of God’s country!
I noticed an obviously married couple coming into the restaurant and sitting down . . . This hit me hard, because I realized for the first time that I no longer had that kind of closeness with anyone now. I thought of the song, "I'm Nobody's Baby."
In our motel at Abbotsford, B.C., I went into the bathroom to shower and get ready to travel. I began crying and feeling so sorry for myself. Opal asked, "Do you want to go on? Should we go back home?" I said, "No, let's get going." I left the top of my new pajamas hanging on the back of the bathroom door. On my next birthday, Opal gave me a gift of some pajamas along with a card and a cute poem she had written about how to take proper care of the p j’s:
We decided not to go to the convention, but at least spend some time in Vancouver.
We were taken aback when we approached a motel where he had made reservations in advance. We noticed it was "not very classy," and we got back into the car and drove on to Vancouver where we stayed at the Biltmore Hotel. Very much better. We spent a day at Stanley Park.
Coming back through Washington, Stevens Pass, we saw telltale ash on evergreen trees. When we stopped along the way at a little restaurant we were told, "Yes, there had been yet another eruption of the volcano." The ash had this time gone North.
We stopped near Wenatchee and toured the Ohme Gardens.
Gary began cleaning out the Ramshackle Ham Shack. He was knowledgeable about the value of the equipment and was finding buyers for some of it for me.
August 11 I was back at work. I dreaded this, because I felt it would be a real ordeal. I felt I was weird. But, everyone was very solicitous, not mentioning my tragedy. It was good to have a job to return to. I was sustained by being needed there.
Just about too tired to concentrate, I had lost a lot of weight. Being alone at home I had only to eat whatever and whenever I wanted, and very often I would go to bed and then decide that maybe I was hungry after all. Fact is, I lost so much weight that I was down to 111 pounds shortly!
At work one day I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the restroom mirror. You know how sometimes you don 't consciously try to see how you look? Well, seeing my eyes, I saw reflected back on how dejected and forlorn I must have looked to others.
A salesman I knew came into our offices and said to me, "Wow, do you ever look good! How did you lose so much weight?"
I was invited to dinner at Jim and Dorothy's.
Gene sold Bob's pickup-camper immediately. He felt good about removing this from my world. I felt good about the price he got. He had removed Bob's license plate W7KYY.
Frank Strasser came by. He felt I might have trouble with keeping some of the C.B.'ers away. I had told him that one night this fellow came to my door and wanted to take me out to dinner -- he said he liked older women, and in fact was living with one, and that she would come along with us.
And on another occasion, a TV customer came and asked to see Bob. I said, "He's not here." The man said, "Well, where is he; when will he be back?" I was at my wit's end, and flatly answered, "He died!" . . . (Go away) He was at a loss. I closed the door.
So Frank gave me two of his cards. One was his number should I need him during the day -- the other was his night number.
Gene took me to get the death certificate. There was an error in the information and I had to get a correction (addendum) added. Then I had to go back again to pick it up.
Barry installed a new kitchen faucet.
August Dorothy and Jim took me to a play in Coeur d' Alene.
And in August, another Nance reunion was held at the Millwood Park. Paul was feeling poorly. His half brother, John, was in the hospital having suffered a stroke. Because of the stroke and Bob's death, none of us was very happy at this reunion.
I was trying to get the storm windows back on after washing them. Bill came over and helped me get them back where they were supposed to be.
Gary and John Gardner cleaned out all of the equipment in the ham shack and the shop.
Gary helped me set up a fish tank so I could get salt water regulated for seahorses. We put in mollies, and tested the water periodically. Mark said for me to "Pood the pish," meaning "feed the fish."
Labor Day weekend, and I wanted to give away Bob's clothes. Bill took them over to the Goodwill. Bill was always there to help me.
My fellow employees were doing all possible to help me. Lee Alexander, whom I knew casually, asked to take me to lunch. She was a widow and while we were having lunch she told me, "There are days when I don't even think of him." I couldn't believe that that day would come . . . you mean, when I wouldn't remember Bob, his support, our closeness of 37 years; his incredible voice as he talked on the ham radio or sang those songs?
September I took no Valium. But, I needed to do something physical that I could throw my energies into. I had to keep an order to my life. So when I got home from work I hauled the table saw out of the shop and began cutting up the scrap lumber that had accumulated behind the old garage. Brother-in-law Bill saw me and offered to cut the wood for me. I said, "Oh, no, Bill, I'm working off a fury!" He said, "Oh, oh, I don't want to get in the middle of that!" And left. While I worked cutting and stacking the wood Gary was going through more of Bob's things in the basement.
My intoxicated neighbor, Ruth, came sauntering over to talk. She was wearing this huge grin. Finally, she said, "You know, it's your fault Bob committed suicide." Startled, to say the least, I stared at her and asked, "Ruth, how can you say that?"
She said, "Because you were always working. I saw him wandering around looking for you -- and you were always never there! You and your big job"
I said, "Ruth, I had to work."
She said, "You and your big job!"
I felt very indignant , and wanted to get rid of her. I said, "Ruth, I had to work. You go home!" And I pushed her in that direction.
"You and your BIG JOB!" She wouldn't budge and she gave me a smirky grin.
I had had enough. I slapped her so hard that her glasses sailed clear over into her yard -- still she didn't go.
Remembering my Karate, I got behind her and pulled her down hard. Off-balance, she hit the cement very solidly! I said, "Go home before I beat you up!"
She muttered, "You just did."
I screamed, "Gary, help me; get her away from me."
Gary came running from the basement terrified because, "Gee, I thought you had cut yourself on the table saw!" But he was easily able to convince her she should leave.
We called Frank immediately to ask if we were in trouble. Two deputies came to take down the information.
They went over and talked to Ruth. Told her to stay off my property and not harass me further. All Ruth could say was, "Leta has my glasses." I told the deputies that her glasses were over in her yard somewhere. They recovered them for her. They hoped I would have no more trouble from her.
I called Alma, Lonnie, and Opal. Opal came over, and then I took a tranquilizer.
Phil Gober was having Barry design his octagon-shaped house to be built along the Spokane River. Together they worked over and over the plans for the design. It was finally done to the satisfaction of both. The house was very original. Phil had some unusual ideas that he put into effect.
While sitting in my kitchen Phil asked if I cared if he smoked. "Smoking used to be 'cool' but it's not cool anymore," he commented. This was before smoking was known to be very harmful.
September brought a sale of Bob 's equipment that netted me $948.
Baby Greg had pneumonia.
Gary and Ken Kohel fixed a security light and a garage door opener for me.
Reverend Powell was discharged and moved to Oregon.
Another nightmare. My new automatic bed's motor burned out. I was awakened when the vibrator of my bed came on at 4 a.m. It wouldn't switch off, and so I went back to sleep believing the bed would quit after 30 minutes as it was supposed to do. The next thing I realized, the bedroom was filling with heavy fumes from a burning motor. I had to unplug the unit to get it to stop.
The next day I called the owner of Liberty Furniture, the Better Business Bureau, and the Consumer Safety Commission. I told them that asphyxiation could have resulted as I do not awaken easily. I was almost consumed by the smell of a burned out motor.
Now I had to write it all down to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. They wanted a detailed report on this "Flex-a-bed":
On September 23, Barry picked me up on my noon hour to go to a rock shop to select a ring setting for B J's sapphire which he had found in Montana. While in the shop, I got a crystal amethyst and also, for taking a little too long in the shop, I got a parking ticket.
I began taking a class in Interior Design along with Lonnie and Doreen. Laura Breen, an old friend of Barry and Susan was teaching the class. She remembered who I was and asked about Barry and Susan. She was sad to hear that they were divorced.
September 26 Gary was feeling a sick depression. A result of the shock of his father's death, and the Reverend Powell's being no longer his pastor.
Nikki, Gerri and I enrolled in an aerobics class at East Valley Junior High. It was good therapy. I was able to relax and during the cool-down period, the music made me feel an exquisite sadness. Yes, I was sad, but at the same time I felt that I had the resources to find a good place for myself in the world.
At MSC I took exercise classes offered in the building after work.
On one noon hour I went across the street to Burgan's Furniture and bought a beautiful sofa.
October 12 was a long-put-off day. Time to get Bob's ashes from the funeral parlor and take them to wherever it was that I decided to take them. The cave at Usk, Washington, where Bob and I felt a sort of spiritual connection. The group participating was: Barry, Gary, Nikki, Gerri, Tom, Dean, Jay, Mark and Greg.
At Usk we climbed the steep path to the Indian cave, Manressa Grotto. There, holding hands, we stood while Barry lead us in prayer.
Barry, Gary, Nikki and I in turn scattered the ashes outside the cave opening down the side of the hill.
A little levity next. Following our ceremony, we all went to Spokane's Cyrus O'Leary's where we had lunch. Mark, noticing the costumes the employees were wearing in this restaurant, said, "There's BOGS BUNNY, there's BOGS BUNNY!!!" The girl wearing a Playboy Bunny outfit was not amused to hear little Mark calling her Bugs Bunny! Mark was not quite 2-1/2 years old.
October 16 I received a call from Nora Farrell. She told me that Betty (her daughter and my friend from first grade and on) had died at 10 a.m. It was unexpected -- Betty had had hemorrhoid surgery and subsequently bled to death! Nora asked if Opal and I would please attend her funeral. Nobody thought that I should go as it was so soon after my own tragedy, but I wanted to be there for Nora for whom I had such admiration. Opal declined to go. Ruth (Panther) and I got together and went to the memorial service. Betty considered herself an atheist, and the music we heard was unusual -- "The Last Farewell," sung by Roger Whittaker, and "Annie Laurie."
In October I took Gary to Sears to show him some beautiful oak end tables that I admired. He said, "Don't buy them. I can make them for you cheaper." And he took measurements and made them. They were beautiful.
I made it through the first three months and told myself, "I really do want to stay around".
Ronald Reagan won the presidential election. I said, "This has not been a good year!"
On another noon hour I went to Jafco and bought myself a good electric typewriter.
Barry came out to put up a smoke alarm for me.
On November 15 I went to a workshop on "Grief" with Gloria at Gonzaga University. I learned that the last of this month would probably be a low period for me (usually occurs about four months following the death of a loved one). Then, a surprising turn of events. . .
|
|
|